OK, I admit it. I'm a TOTAL holiday music junkie that tunes into WLIT-FM (Chicago) on the first day they start playing Jingle Bell Rock all the way through Christmas day. . . and have done so as long as they've been broadcasting wall-to-wall holiday music. So as a self-proclaimed expert, I feel it is my job to inform the world which holiday songs rock, and which ones should roll away to the island of Misfit Toys. Today, is my review of the 10 WORST holiday songs on the radio. Trust me people, avoid these at all cost!
10. Mannheim Steamroller: What is the appeal of this techno-babble called music? It sounds cold, harsh and boring -- everything that Christmas is not! Seriously.
9. Anything by Diana Ross: You've got the pipes, honey, but not the sincerity. I'm not feeling the love in any of your holiday songs, so stick to Motown, please.
8. Anything by Johnnie Mathis: Bland, contrived and just plain bad. Wasn't he a punchline in the 70's -- why are we still listening to him today?
7. Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney: Sir Paul -- what the hell happened here? Were you going through a bad patch with Linda when you composed this loser? Considering I've been in love with you since I was 6 years old when I demanded, and got, the Beatles Colorform play kit and lunch box for Christmas, I'll let this slide. But please, no more attempts at Christmas kitsch!
6. Christmas Shoes by Newsong: OK, it's a touching song, mind you. But who the hell wants to cry every time they hear about momma looking pretty when she meets Jesus tonight? Yes, I admit that I do. It's Christmas, not Cry-fest.
5. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus by the Jackson Five: OK, does anyone else think it's creepy whenever Michael says "I'm gonna tell my dad!"? Knowing what we know now, this song should seriously be taken off the air.
4. I Want To See Christmas Through Your Eyes by Gloria Estefan: Sorry Gloria, you can surely do the conga but I just don't care to see Christmas through your or your child's eyes.
3. Any remix with a dead person: While novel, it's just wrong to have living people weasel their way onto a dead person's hit and make it into a "new" duet. Yes, I'm talking to you Natalie Cole and Cyndi Lauper!
2. Dominick the Donkey: Where the hell did this song come from? I never heard it as a child and I sure as heck don't want to jiggidy-jigg (hee-haw hee-haw) as an adult.
And the winner of the WORST holiday song ever is . . .
1) I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas: All I want is ear plugs and a shot gun when I hear this one! Bah humbug.
Tomorrow (or whenever I can get around to it) I'll post my top 10 FAVORITE holiday songs. In the meantime -- do you agree or disagree with my choices? Any more songs to add that I may have forgotten? Chime in please.
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